bastards – No Time to Think

Seeing the Real You At Last

Friends

JOHN Lennon once wrote: “Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans”.

But, as I sit here, I am drawn by the words of his former writing partner and fellow Beatle Paul McCartney:

“Maybe I’m amazed at the way you love me all the time

Maybe I’m afraid of the way I love you

Maybe I’m amazed at the the way you pulled me out of time

And hung me on a line

Maybe I’m amazed at the way I really need you

Maybe I’m a man and maybe I’m a lonely man

Who’s in the middle of something

That he doesn’t really understand.”

Now, exactly five years since the nervous breakdown, which changed my life for ever, I am still looking to understand my life and the people who have been part of it!

As many readers will know, 2013 was personally an awful year, culminating in the complete breakdown on 12 June.

It was also the start of a recovery and realisation that only by honestly addressing my life, could I find a way forward.

So I began a journey of self-awareness and discovery.

The support of my lovely family was an immense part of this journey.

And the friends who were there for me when my life was at its bleakest also helped sustain me, and drive me forward.

Many years ago I helped an old friend who was facing a tough time. He has now sadly passed away, but he left me a letter with the immortal words: “A man is known by his friends and not his enemies, I am grateful to count you as a friend.”

Today his words chime so clearly in my conscience.

You see, it is easy to know who you love and who loves you, but is less easy to appreciate who are true friends.

The ongoing atrocities in Palestine often make me realise how much evil exists in this world.

But there is still so much goodness and good people.

I could not have survived without such people… so many wonderful friends, who climbed out from behind the barricades to give help when they saw I was drowning.

It has always puzzled me how human chemistry works and how some people become such great friends while some others torture our souls.

It is almost as if you know who will be a friend when you first meet them… or is that only me?

Psychologists believe there are 16 distinct types of personality in human beings:

The Duty Fulfiller

Serious and quiet, interested in security and peaceful living. Extremely thorough, responsible, and dependable. Usually interested in supporting and promoting traditions and establishments. Well-organized and hard-working, they work steadily towards identified goals.

The Mechanic

Quiet and reserved, interested in how and why things work. Excellent skills with mechanical things. Risk-takers who they live for the moment. Usually interested in and talented at extreme sports. Uncomplicated in their desires. Loyal to their peers and to their internal value systems.

The Nurturer

Quiet, kind, and conscientious. Can be depended on to follow through. Usually puts the needs of others above their own needs. Stable and practical, they value security and traditions. Extremely perceptive of other’s feelings. Interested in serving others.

The Artist

Quiet, serious, sensitive and kind. Do not like conflict, and not likely to do things which may generate conflict. Loyal and faithful. Not interested in leading or controlling others. Flexible and open-minded. Likely to be original and creative. Enjoy the present moment.

The Protector

Quietly forceful, original, and sensitive. Tend to stick to things until they are done. Extremely intuitive about people, and concerned for their feelings. Well-respected for their perseverance in doing the right thing. Likely to be individualistic, rather than leading or following.

The Idealist

Quiet, reflective, and idealistic. Interested in serving humanity. Extremely loyal. Adaptable and laid-back unless a strongly-held value is threatened. Usually talented writers. Mentally quick, and able to see possibilities. Interested in understanding and helping people.

The Scientist

Independent, original, analytical, and determined. Have an exceptional ability to turn theories into solid plans of action. Long-range thinkers. Have very high standards for their performance, and the performance of others. Natural leaders, but will follow if they trust existing leaders.

The Thinker

Logical, original, creative thinkers. Can become very excited about theories and ideas. Exceptionally capable and driven to turn theories into clear understandings. Quiet and reserved, hard to get to know well. Individualistic, having no interest in leading or following others.

The Doer

Friendly, adaptable, action-oriented. “Doers” who are focused on immediate results. Living in the here-and-now, they’re risk-takers who live fast-paced lifestyles. Extremely loyal to their peers, but not usually respectful of laws and rules if they get in the way of getting things done.

The Guardian

Practical, traditional, and organized. Not interested in theory or abstraction unless they see the practical application. Have clear visions of the way things should be. Loyal and hard-working. Like to be in charge. Exceptionally capable in organizing and running activities.

The Performer

People-oriented and fun-loving, they make things more fun for others by their enjoyment. Living for the moment, they love new experiences. Interested in serving others. Likely to be the centre of attention in social situations. Well-developed common sense and practical ability.

The Caregiver

Warm-hearted, popular, and conscientious. Tend to put the needs of others over their own needs. Feel strong sense of responsibility and duty. Value traditions and security. Need positive reinforcement to feel good about themselves. Well-developed sense of space and function.

The Inspirer

Enthusiastic, idealistic, and creative. Able to do almost anything that interests them. Great people skills. Need to live life in accordance with their inner values. Excited by new ideas, but bored with details. Open-minded and flexible, with a broad range of interests and abilities.

The Giver

Popular and sensitive, with outstanding people skills. Externally focused, with real concern for how others think and feel. Usually dislike being alone. They see everything from the human angle, and dislike impersonal analysis.

The Visionary

Creative, resourceful, and intellectually quick. Good at a broad range of things. Enjoy debating issues, and may be into “one-upmanship”. They get very excited about new ideas and projects, but may neglect the more routine aspects of life. Generally outspoken and assertive.

The Executive

Assertive and outspoken – they are driven to lead. Excellent ability to understand difficult organizational problems and create solid solutions. Intelligent and well-informed, they usually excel at public speaking. They value knowledge and competence, and usually have little patience with inefficiency or disorganization.

I guess we all fit into one of those categories… or do we?

But, the psychologists have missed two important personality types: the Psychotic and the Complete Bastard.

Because while we are loved and supported by our life partners, soul mates and good friends; there are others who seem hell-bent on ruining the lives of other human beings either at work, at home or any given social situation.

So the two things I have learned from my breakdown and recovery is:

Don’t let the antagonists be part of your life… leave them behind.

Embrace your friends and those who love you.

Simple stuff really and I guess you don’t need to be a psychologist to figure that out.

But don’t let it get to a breakdown before you do!

I finish with an embrace for Helen, my confidante and best friend. She is the daughter and sister I never had, and my true soul mate.

She tells things as she sees them: “Fuck the bastards Nic, you are beautiful!”

A man is known by his friends and not his enemies and I am a very lucky man indeed.

Illegitimacy: once a shameful secret but now a celebration

William

UNTIL fairly recently British society placed great emphasis on the bonds of marriage, and those who deviated from this social norm faced condemnation from their community.

And having a ‘bastard’ child was a stigma too far for many families.

Such was the shame that families went to great lengths to keep their guilty secret under wraps.

“We don’t think twice about illegitimacy now; it’s really hard to get your mind around the idea that the shame was once so awful that women were prepared to kill their babies,” says Ruth Paley, author of Was Your Ancestor a Bastard?

But that awful stigma of the past has given birth to two joyous reconciliations for me, my mother, my immediate family and a new extended family.

And here lies two stories:

My aunt Betty was my father’s eldest sister, born in 1919 to my grandparents Tom and Alice Outterside in the tough mining village of Throckley, near Newcastle-upon-Tyne. Her sister Win was born in 1922 and dad Ray and his twin brother Geoff came eight years later in 1930.

On the back of the Depression and in search of better job opportunities, in 1933 my grandparents and their four children, moved south to an expanding manufacturing town on the outskirts of London.

It was a good move all round as my grandfather quickly gained the prestigious job as clerk to the town council and over the next 13 years the four children acquired careers in aircraft design, nursing and civil aviation.

But while my dad, Geoff and Win soon found happy domesticity in married life, Betty was left as the spinster sister living at home with my grandparents.

She had got a good secretarial job, but true love and a husband was to pass her by.

But then, in 1946 Betty enjoyed a brief and loving relationship with a man she met through work. The problem was, this man was already married.

And as fate would have it, at the age of 27, Betty found she was pregnant.

The stigma of their daughter expecting a baby out of wedlock was too much for my grandparents and they sent Betty to live 50 miles away until the time came for the birth.

And in 1947 she gave birth to a bouncing baby boy, whom she named Richard.

It should have been a joyous occasion, but my grandparents had already planned Betty and Richard’s futures. And when the baby was just two weeks old he was given away for adoption, and Betty sworn by shame to NEVER mention the birth or speak of her now lost child.

So the years rolled by. And while family whispers of Betty’s child perpetuated, they were only whispers.

And true to her promise, Betty never talked about her son. But she became an amazing aunt to five nephews and nieces and a great aunt to many more.

In 1997 she died tragically and suddenly after routine operation on an internal ulcer went wrong. She was 78 years old.

She died, never knowing her son.

Over the ensuing years I tried in vain to trace her child, but despite the growth of the internet, all I was ever able to find was confirmation of his birth.

Then two years ago something remarkable happened.

Out of the blue, a 67-year-old man got in touch with our family.

It was Richard – now called John – who had traced us!

His wife Sue explained: “John had a very happy and loving upbringing with his adoptive family and is now so happy that he has finally found his biological family.

“He didn’t feel it was right to try to find his mother while his adoptive parents were still alive and so sadly it was too late to meet Betty.”

Sadly for John the reconciliation was too late for him to know his real mother. And sadly too late to meet my father, who died in 2008.

But our family have showered John and Sue with photographs and personal treasures and he has visited and laid flowers at Betty’s grave.

Family stories are exchanged and one by one he is meeting all his long lost relations.

Most importantly he has gained a new family and we have gained a new cousin.

Love never dies.

And yesterday that truth came home again, in the most unexpected way.

My maternal great-grandmother Lucy Eastman was born in 1875 to a farming family in Hampshire, and after basic schooling began a life as a servant and seamstress, downstairs for an aristocratic family.

No-one now knows the circumstances, but she became pregnant while in service and gave birth to my grandfather Eric in 1904.

But rather than throw her into the workhouse or the streets, the family took care of her and her baby.

Then in 1907, aged 32, a stunningly attractive Lucy met and married my maternal great-grandfather Stephen, who helped her raise my grandfather like his own child.

Due to social pressures of the time, my grandfather was not told about his illegitimacy – he was given his stepfather’s surname – until preparing for his own wedding to my grandmother in 1926.

Then confronted by the minister, and his hastily obtained birth certificate, the full truth began to emerge.

He lived the rest of his life never publicly acknowledging his illegitimacy until shortly before his death in 1978 when he confided in my mother and his other children.

And so it may have remained.

But something remarkable happened at his wedding all those years earlier.

He had invited two cousins to the event in downtown Chelsea: Gwen Eastman, who was his mother’s niece from nearby Fulham, and Bill, who was his step-father’s nephew.

And romance blossomed at the wedding reception… Gwen and Bill fell in love and three years later in 1926 were married.

For the ensuing years they were always my grandfather’s closest relations, carrying the family blood of both his mother and stepfather.

I have fond memories as a child of my grandparents taking me for visits to Gwen and Bill’s wonderful smallholding on the Hampshire/Berkshire border.

And then something remarkable happened again…

After six months of working for Momentum and the re-election of Jeremy Corbyn as leader of the Labour Party a small personal miracle occurred.

Among hundreds of new Twitter Followers, yesterday I suddenly acquired a new Follower, a lady called Liz with a surname I recognised… a surname that like Outterside, is rare and rather unusual.

A quick exchange of Twitter messages, plus a phone call to my mum, and Liz and I both realised we are related…. twice over!

She is the grand-daughter of Gwen and Bill, and like me has similar memories of visits to their small-holding!

Now 24 hours have passed and we share the same excitement of discovering long lost family.

If it wasn’t for my great grandmother’s illegitimate child and his wedding to my grandmother; neither of us would be here now!

I attach with this blog a copy of the memorial notice of our shared great-great grandfather!

Life can be remarkable at times.

A Tight Connection to My Heart

I have been meaning to update this blog since March and a whole summer has passed before I caught up with my own tail.

As regular readers will know, 2013 was an awful year for me. But 15 months on from the breakdown I am back where I feel alive, loved and comfortable.

And the support of my lovely family has been an immense part of this journey.

But it is the friends who were there for me when my life was at its bleakest who also really helped sustain me.

You see, it is easy to know who you love and who loves you, but is less easy to appreciate who are true friends.

The events in Palestine this summer and elsewhere made me realise how much evil exists in this world. Even last Friday after the Scottish Independence Referendum we witnessed other forms of anger, thuggery and man’s inhumanity to man.

But there is still so much goodness and good people.

I could not have survived without such people.

So thank you for being there during my darkest hours: Laura E and Jane CW, Karen B, my friend of 22 years Judith G, a friend of even longer Jane A, my warmest buddy Nicola B, the lovely Kay D, members of my extended Outterside family including Lorraine, Stuart, Nicky and Karen, the timeless Sue C (is that 9 year-old son of yours really now 36!), more recent friends Kate M and Andy, Janine and Pete J, Catheryn and Colin B, Adele, Nat and David, the wonderful musical pals Sandra, Carolyn and Fiona.

Jenny and Caryn plus former work colleagues Marcello, Stephen, Craig C (you are an amazing mate) Rachel R, Sarah B, Sophie C and Karen A and especially the two Hannahs (LT and B) who both have the capacity to reduce me to tears by the unexpected honesty and true warmth of their words. And there are Vonny and Sam H, two amazing friends. Another friend by chance Julia (who is coming to stay next weekend) and of course Angela and Alex, who over the past two years have become the closest of friends… the number of phone calls and emails from Bristol have really kept me going!

Then at the end of last week, Juliet, my business advisor for the past nine months and a simply lovely human being became a good friend too.

It has always puzzled me how human chemistry works and how some people become such great friends while some others torture our souls.

It is almost as if you know who will be a friend when you first meet them… or is that only me?

And it is a bit like meeting life partners, you don’t necessarily need to have similar personalities for it just to work!

Psychologists believe there are 16 distinct types of personality in human beings, which in a nutshell are:

The Duty Fulfiller

The Mechanic

The Nurturer

The Artist

The Protector

The Idealist

The Scientist

The Thinker

The Doer

The Guardian

The Performer

The Caregiver

The Inspirer

The Giver

The Visionary

The Executive

I guess we all fit into one of those categories… or do we?

I reckon the psychologists have missed two important personality types: the Psychotic and the Complete Bastard.

Because while we are loved and supported by our life partners, soul mates and good friends, there are others who seem hell bent on ruining the lives of other human beings either at work, at home or any given social situation.

Now the two things I have learned from my breakdown and recovery is: (a) Don’t let the antagonists be part of your life in any way at all… leave them behind and (b) Embrace your friends and those who love you.

Simple stuff really and I guess you don’t need to be a psychologist to find that out. But don’t let it get to a breakdown before you do!

As this blog turns full circle I finish with an embrace for Helen, my confidante and witness at my wedding to Gill. She is the daughter and sister I never had, and my true soul mate.

She tells things as she sees them: “Fuck the bastards Nic, you are beautiful!” A man is known by his friends and not his enemies and I am a very lucky man indeed.