Seeing the Real You At Last

Friends

JOHN Lennon once wrote: “Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans”.

But, as I sit here, I am drawn by the words of his former writing partner and fellow Beatle Paul McCartney:

“Maybe I’m amazed at the way you love me all the time

Maybe I’m afraid of the way I love you

Maybe I’m amazed at the the way you pulled me out of time

And hung me on a line

Maybe I’m amazed at the way I really need you

Maybe I’m a man and maybe I’m a lonely man

Who’s in the middle of something

That he doesn’t really understand.”

Now, exactly five years since the nervous breakdown, which changed my life for ever, I am still looking to understand my life and the people who have been part of it!

As many readers will know, 2013 was personally an awful year, culminating in the complete breakdown on 12 June.

It was also the start of a recovery and realisation that only by honestly addressing my life, could I find a way forward.

So I began a journey of self-awareness and discovery.

The support of my lovely family was an immense part of this journey.

And the friends who were there for me when my life was at its bleakest also helped sustain me, and drive me forward.

Many years ago I helped an old friend who was facing a tough time. He has now sadly passed away, but he left me a letter with the immortal words: “A man is known by his friends and not his enemies, I am grateful to count you as a friend.”

Today his words chime so clearly in my conscience.

You see, it is easy to know who you love and who loves you, but is less easy to appreciate who are true friends.

The ongoing atrocities in Palestine often make me realise how much evil exists in this world.

But there is still so much goodness and good people.

I could not have survived without such people… so many wonderful friends, who climbed out from behind the barricades to give help when they saw I was drowning.

It has always puzzled me how human chemistry works and how some people become such great friends while some others torture our souls.

It is almost as if you know who will be a friend when you first meet them… or is that only me?

Psychologists believe there are 16 distinct types of personality in human beings:

The Duty Fulfiller

Serious and quiet, interested in security and peaceful living. Extremely thorough, responsible, and dependable. Usually interested in supporting and promoting traditions and establishments. Well-organized and hard-working, they work steadily towards identified goals.

The Mechanic

Quiet and reserved, interested in how and why things work. Excellent skills with mechanical things. Risk-takers who they live for the moment. Usually interested in and talented at extreme sports. Uncomplicated in their desires. Loyal to their peers and to their internal value systems.

The Nurturer

Quiet, kind, and conscientious. Can be depended on to follow through. Usually puts the needs of others above their own needs. Stable and practical, they value security and traditions. Extremely perceptive of other’s feelings. Interested in serving others.

The Artist

Quiet, serious, sensitive and kind. Do not like conflict, and not likely to do things which may generate conflict. Loyal and faithful. Not interested in leading or controlling others. Flexible and open-minded. Likely to be original and creative. Enjoy the present moment.

The Protector

Quietly forceful, original, and sensitive. Tend to stick to things until they are done. Extremely intuitive about people, and concerned for their feelings. Well-respected for their perseverance in doing the right thing. Likely to be individualistic, rather than leading or following.

The Idealist

Quiet, reflective, and idealistic. Interested in serving humanity. Extremely loyal. Adaptable and laid-back unless a strongly-held value is threatened. Usually talented writers. Mentally quick, and able to see possibilities. Interested in understanding and helping people.

The Scientist

Independent, original, analytical, and determined. Have an exceptional ability to turn theories into solid plans of action. Long-range thinkers. Have very high standards for their performance, and the performance of others. Natural leaders, but will follow if they trust existing leaders.

The Thinker

Logical, original, creative thinkers. Can become very excited about theories and ideas. Exceptionally capable and driven to turn theories into clear understandings. Quiet and reserved, hard to get to know well. Individualistic, having no interest in leading or following others.

The Doer

Friendly, adaptable, action-oriented. “Doers” who are focused on immediate results. Living in the here-and-now, they’re risk-takers who live fast-paced lifestyles. Extremely loyal to their peers, but not usually respectful of laws and rules if they get in the way of getting things done.

The Guardian

Practical, traditional, and organized. Not interested in theory or abstraction unless they see the practical application. Have clear visions of the way things should be. Loyal and hard-working. Like to be in charge. Exceptionally capable in organizing and running activities.

The Performer

People-oriented and fun-loving, they make things more fun for others by their enjoyment. Living for the moment, they love new experiences. Interested in serving others. Likely to be the centre of attention in social situations. Well-developed common sense and practical ability.

The Caregiver

Warm-hearted, popular, and conscientious. Tend to put the needs of others over their own needs. Feel strong sense of responsibility and duty. Value traditions and security. Need positive reinforcement to feel good about themselves. Well-developed sense of space and function.

The Inspirer

Enthusiastic, idealistic, and creative. Able to do almost anything that interests them. Great people skills. Need to live life in accordance with their inner values. Excited by new ideas, but bored with details. Open-minded and flexible, with a broad range of interests and abilities.

The Giver

Popular and sensitive, with outstanding people skills. Externally focused, with real concern for how others think and feel. Usually dislike being alone. They see everything from the human angle, and dislike impersonal analysis.

The Visionary

Creative, resourceful, and intellectually quick. Good at a broad range of things. Enjoy debating issues, and may be into “one-upmanship”. They get very excited about new ideas and projects, but may neglect the more routine aspects of life. Generally outspoken and assertive.

The Executive

Assertive and outspoken – they are driven to lead. Excellent ability to understand difficult organizational problems and create solid solutions. Intelligent and well-informed, they usually excel at public speaking. They value knowledge and competence, and usually have little patience with inefficiency or disorganization.

I guess we all fit into one of those categories… or do we?

But, the psychologists have missed two important personality types: the Psychotic and the Complete Bastard.

Because while we are loved and supported by our life partners, soul mates and good friends; there are others who seem hell-bent on ruining the lives of other human beings either at work, at home or any given social situation.

So the two things I have learned from my breakdown and recovery is:

Don’t let the antagonists be part of your life… leave them behind.

Embrace your friends and those who love you.

Simple stuff really and I guess you don’t need to be a psychologist to figure that out.

But don’t let it get to a breakdown before you do!

I finish with an embrace for Helen, my confidante and best friend. She is the daughter and sister I never had, and my true soul mate.

She tells things as she sees them: “Fuck the bastards Nic, you are beautiful!”

A man is known by his friends and not his enemies and I am a very lucky man indeed.

Depression and the angry thief

BLOG Depression

I HAVE been depressed most of my adult life.

Depression impacts on every aspect of life and well-being. It is much more than feeling sad. It is a mood disorder that can interfere with everything.

Having untreated depression can put your life on hold for months, if not years… it can also lead to thoughts of suicide or self-harm.

My own depression festered inside me as a reaction to many things: the sexual abuse I suffered as a young teenager, a major life crisis in my late 20s, battling cancer in my early 30s, relationship breakdowns, the loss of two of my children, bankruptcy, assault, the loss of my home and the deaths of my soul-mate Andrea, my life-long friend Jayne and my amazing father.

Any of these things could have triggered the condition, and for me they did as a matter of course.

The depression manifested itself in feelings of deep lows or worthlessness – especially in a relationship or at work – but also in many other less obvious ways such as anger and irritability, frustration, OCD behaviour, tiredness, insomnia, forgetfulness, clumsiness and the inability to concentrate on one thing for long periods.

In my case, it was all of these, plus for many years, an over-dependence on alcohol.

But, there is a limit to how long you can lock things inside while appearing to function normally on the outside.

And my “normal” exterior collapsed in a complete nervous breakdown on 12 June 2013… a day when I simply could not hold it all in any more.

It is now five years since that collapse.

Those years have been an important period of professional counselling, the love and support of family and close friends and the catharsis of writing and unburdening my mind, memories and fears.

In the months soon after the breakdown I was struggling to get back to a life of any sort and was fighting my way out of the corner.

Now, I am so far out of the corner you won’t find me… I have at last found my way home.

But the Black Dog never leaves and the depression can still manifest itself abruptly… often when I feel I am being dragged back into that corner.

And without control I snap.

Irritability is a symptom of depression, and it makes total sense; depression usually plays havoc with our sleep patterns.

Lack of sleep causes irritability, and makes us less able to cope with day-to-day challenges.

With depression often comes aches and pains, and our digestive system can be affected, causing us discomfort. Pain makes us irritable and frustrated.

Moreover, depression can be overwhelming. Getting through each day often requires Herculean stamina.

So much energy is directed towards trying to cope that, if anything goes wrong, or something else is added to the pile, we snap.

We just can’t handle any more.

Sadly, our irritability is often directed at others, who happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

This isn’t acceptable, but it is understandable.

It’s good to wait until you feel calmer, then apologise, and explain how you felt at the time – it can be helpful for others to understand your perspective and give them a chance to help.

More tears and genuine remorse is a bi-product of depression.

The classic symptoms of depression – disinterest, lethargy, sadness, detachment, and sleep problems – can make our lives so difficult.

Suddenly, we’re don’t care about the things that we used to enjoy. We can’t concentrate on our favourite books, or TV shows. We don’t have the energy to get up, get dressed, and go out to meet friends.

So, we stop doing things.

Soon, we might not recognise the person we’ve become. We feel as though we’ve lost ourselves to depression. This also inevitably leads to anger; we become angry at depression, we might blame ourselves, and feel incredibly angry at our circumstances… why me, why has this happened?

Depression is an illness, yet we very often blame ourselves for having depression.

It feels like a personal failing.

Because depression is also a thief.

If we’ve been living with depression for a while, it can feel like it has been stealing from us.

It can feel like we have lost an aspect of ourselves, of our identity; we are forced to come to terms with a new ‘us’. We may wish we could go back to how we were before.

Depression can force us to give up work, or our studies, putting a stop to our life, for months or years. It’s common to feel that depression has stolen time from us, and to feel angry about what could have been. Depression can also make us lose touch with friends, or push away our loved ones.

We might feel angry – both with the depression, but also with them. It’s very easy to get lost in thoughts of what could have been.

It can help to try and look towards the future, rather than ruminate in the past.

We can’t change what’s happened, but we can set new goals that interest us, as we are now. We can reflect on the things that depression has taught us about ourselves, and what makes us happy – and make plans based on this.

We can even try reaching out to the people that we previously pushed away, and explain what was going on for us at the time. They may have been hoping from afar to hear from us again.

Looking forward, and achieving new goals, can ease the anger we feel at depression’s thievery.

If you feel depressed, talk to someone… be brave and confide, you will be amazed how many other people out there feel similar things and will let you unburden.

And how many will also forgive and help you to rediscover the real you.

There is light on the other side of that dark door… just have faith in yourself.

  • With thanks to the Blurt Foundation for the practical aspects in the second half of this blog: www.blurtitout.org
  • Thanks also to MIND, who have always been there: www.mind.org.uk

Revealed for posterity: the real me

BLOG Nic

MUCH of my life has been a story of two distinct sides… personal and professional.

Childhood sexual abuse, two battles with cancer; the death of my best friend and later my father; more failed relationships than you care to shake a stick at; bankruptcy; the suicide of a family member; the loss of two of my children; the repossession of my home; discovering one wife was enjoying sex with another man; becoming a single parent, an unprovoked assault that almost took my life anyway; and finally a nervous breakdown in 2013.

Set against that backdrop there is a star-spangled career in journalism with a raft of awards and recognition at the highest level, the chance to meet many stellar people, an honorary doctorate in written journalism and an Early Day Motion in the House of Commons praising my investigative skills. And latterly the writing and editing of six diverse books of fact, fiction and poetry.

So while my personal life has been a rollercoaster of pain, my professional life as a writer, editor and publisher has been my rock.

But last week, my personal and professional personas collided in a metaphorical train wreck, just as a seven week pro-bono publishing venture reached its conclusion – ie the book was published!

I won’t bore readers with a blow-by-blow account, but in a nutshell:

I handed over the final manuscript of a book to a trusted friend for e-publication, then 36 hours after publication that same person took the book down from its publishing platform, blaming me for her actions.

I still find myself reeling from what happened.

Naturally, many knives were drawn against me as the responsible editor and publisher. But what really hurt is what then followed… a quite sinister campaign of lies, innuendo, disinformation and blame. And at the back of this an ongoing smear against my honesty and my character.

In the words of my great friend Sara Salyers:

“Whispered accusations behind the back of the accused, rather than a clear and evidenced case are a sure sign that a speculative and inauthentic profile is being constructed in the shadows from which it cannot be challenged because it is protected from the light of day.”

I have no intention of rallying against those whispers, but I do wish all my professional clients and colleagues to know who I really am.

My real friends and colleagues over the past 40 years know me well. This is what a few of them have written… this is the real me:

I first met Nic when we worked together for the YTS scheme in the mid-1980s; training teenagers to get employment. Nic had a teaching role. He was married and the loving father of a young family.

Over the years some may have assumed that Nic’s easy-going personality was a weakness, but this was not the case. Perhaps some were jealous of Nic’s character and may have felt inadequate. Perhaps because of this, they tried to make Nic look bad to make themselves look better.

Nic has admitted to faults but has always been a family man and wanted to be there as a father for his children. Everyone makes mistakes but many do not admit to them publicly in social media. Nic is a good and kind man.

JA (known Nic for 32 years)

 

I met Nic in the summer of 2016 through Momentum and his blogs. We went on to meet and become friends. Nic is a very decent, honest and genuine human being, which is very rare nowadays.

AA (known Nic for 18 months)

 

Nic is a great editor and it was one of my life pleasures to work with him. When I was having deep work-related problems, he was the first person I turned to. At work he was inspirational, and out-of-work he is a great family man who adores his children.

Nic and his wife Gill became close personal friends of my husband Alex and me and we have stayed at each other’s houses many times.

AB (known Nic for 7 years)

 

I’ve known Nic for five years, meeting him as the father of one of my son’s best friends, and now we are friends in our own right. Nic has many qualities that I admire, which include being thoughtful, caring, loving, and a very talented writer. Nic is a kind and loving father to Nathan, who in return is growing into a very polite and thoughtful young man.  I’d like to say not a day goes by without him thinking of all of his kids, but it’s probably more likely to be not an hour. 

CB (known Nic for 5 years)

 

I have known Nic first as a work colleague and then as a friend.

Nic is a compassionate and very fair man who has endured much in his life. What Nic has come through would have crippled most other people. The fact that he has come through it with such little resentment and such a sunny disposition says it all.

I am so proud that I am a friend of his and in my eyes he is a hero.

KB (known Nic for 9 years)

 

I have known Nic personally for many years through our common love of Brighton and Hove Albion FC. In short Nic is a fantastic guy, gentle and compassionate and extremely funny. I hope it all works out for him.

AB (known Nic for 14 years)

 

Nic and I met at college when we were both still teenagers and have kept in touch ever since. We both have great pride in swapping news about how our respective children have grown and developed.

Nic has always had a funny and quirky personality. I can still remember him reading his election speech at Poly with his pants on the outside of his trousers and a knotted hanky on his head. The memory of it still makes me laugh.

Nic does not suffer fools but neither does he exhibit any rash or violent temper.

Nic is now, as he was at 19, a caring, honest, considerate and sensitive man, passionately opposed to social injustice and whose deep and abiding love for his children is absolutely apparent.

I am proud to be his friend.

JB (known Nic for 42 years)

 

Nic gave me my first job in journalism in 2007. I can without hesitation say he is the best editor I could have wished for.

Over the years Nic and I became friends and I have found him to be someone I could rely on if I had a problem as he always made time for his friends and staff even when he was busy or in difficulty himself. 

As for Nathan, I just don’t know how Nic managed to bring up a child on his own while working full-time as a newspaper editor.

CB (known Nic for 11 years)

 

I worked alongside Nic for six months and he is one of the most earnest, helpful and trustworthy colleagues I have ever known. Gregarious, kind and immensely talented, he commands results using a fair and approachable management style. His sunny nature and sharp wit lit up the newsroom and it was both a pleasure and delight to work alongside him.

SC (known Nic for 6 years)

 

Nic is an outstanding editor, teacher and friend. I worked for him for two years between 2008 and 2010. I feel very privileged to have been part of his editorial team. His enthusiasm is infectious and it encouraged me to unearth some great stories and push myself to new limits. Nic will always be someone I continue to turn to for help and advice.

AF (known Nic for 10 years)

 

I met and worked for Nic between 1998 and 1999. I got to know him and his then partner Alvilde on a personal and friendly basis.

Nic is a unique editor who gave confidence and inspiration to many aspiring journalists. More than that, he is a lovely guy.

PF (known Nic for 20 years)

 

I have known Nic for around 13 years, via our mutual love of Brighton and Hove Albion Football Club. In all this time, I have seen his devotion to Nathan, often in the face of great difficulty, to be unswerving, with the soul of a man who loves his son dearly. He is a genuinely lovely man, full of wit, passion and care.

IH (known Nic for 14 years)

 

Nic is a wonderful mentor and teacher and an editor I would willingly move hundreds of miles to work for him again. He is also a warm and compassionate human being and an amazing father to his lovely son Nathan. In a nutshell: he is just amazing.

LH (known Nic for 8 years)

 

I have known Nic for 11 years. We met when he did pro bono PR work for my former band Tiny Tin Lady. I have stayed at Nic’s house many times over the ensuing years and he has become my soul-mate.

Nic is an awesome father to Nathan and a lovely human being. He is one of my best friends in the world.

HH (known Nic for 11 years)

 

I consider myself to be a very good judge of character. This opinion of myself has come about through many years of observing the consequences of my decisions based on the judgements I make. Mostly I have been right, and my awareness of other people has enabled me to almost instantly know if someone is going to be trouble, or enjoys harming other people, or is lying to me or trying to manipulate me in any way.

Nic is a sensitive, kind and intelligent man, who wants to live in a world that values peacefulness, equality and compassion.

AI (known Nic for 18 months)

 

I first met Nic while working for NWN Media. I think it was probably our passion for football that got us talking (he is B&HAFC and me it’s Chester).

It was always a pleasure to chat with him as a happy bloke who never seemed to have a problem with anyone or anything. He hid the agony of his family problems well.

Subsequently we have become good friends with a shared love of music and footy. He has always been kind even in his darkest hours and even appreciated my bad jokes.

Even though Nic lives some miles away I consider him a close friend and would happily welcome him to my home or holiday home in mid Wales, where I spend a lot of time with my wife and extended family of foster children and pets. I hope he finds the inner strength and peace that he deserves.

JL (known Nic for 12 years)

 

I first worked with Nic in 1993. I also met Dilla – this was before they had their two daughters. Our paths crossed again at The Scotsman in 1996. We became good friends and I socialised with both Nic and Dilla over the following year. I visited their home in Haddington and saw at first hand his wonderful parenting of Rhia and Shannon.

I can say in all honesty that Nic is a kind, funny and a very gentle man.

VM (known Nic for 25 years)

 

I need to thank Nic for his support over the last three years – he is a star! I’ve come to value his kindness, honesty, and integrity greatly.

SM (known Nic for 8 years)

 

Nic is my husband and the love of my life so maybe I’m biased! He’s thoughtful, a bit wacky sometimes, he talks in his sleep and when he’s not quoting from Dylan songs or talking at ghosts, he’s talking lovingly about his family, those that live with him and those that are absent. He’s kind, caring and hugs those he loves as often as he can. He’s intelligent, knows what is happening in the world and refuses to read the Daily Mail. So I think that makes him fairly awesome.

GO (known Nic for 6 years)

 

I have only known Nic a short time through our mutual socialist beliefs and membership of the local Momentum branch.

I have to say, I believe Nic to be a thoughtful, caring and gentle soul who wants a just, equal, and caring society.

ER (known Nic for 18 months)

 

Nic is insightful and generous. His passion for social issues and concern for his fellow man permeates every aspect of his work and personality. Nic is a breath of fresh air.

It is for these reasons that I consider him to be one of the best bosses I have ever had and also a very dear friend.

RR (known Nic for 6 years)

 

I first met Nic in 1996 when he was working for The Scotsman. We had a lot in common and quickly became friends.

I got to know him, Dilla and the girls, visiting them in Haddington and going to stay with them in Galloway a couple of times in 1999.

Nic was a proud and loving father and his girls obviously adored him. Everything about his politics and his core values and his behaviour as a dad was of a peace, committed, brave and loving.

No one is without faults and all of us hurt those we love as a result – all of us without exception.

And from bitter personal experience I can attest to the fact that whispered accusations behind the back of the accused, rather than a clear and evidenced case are a sure sign that a speculative and inauthentic profile is being constructed in the shadows from which it cannot be challenged because it is protected from the light of day.

Much love to a brave, brilliant and loving friend.

SS (known Nic for 22 years)

 

Meeting and working for Nic between 2008 and 2010 gave me a strength and inner-belief that few could ever manage. I will never forget his presence in the newsroom, his advice or guidance, all of which are worth more than gold.

He is a lovely man and I am a better person for having known him.

MT (known Nic for 10 years)

 

I worked for Nic for over five years, first as a trainee and then on to chief reporter. He taught me everything I know.

Not only a great journalist and editor Nic is the most compassionate manager I have ever worked for. After being diagnosed with cancer he was a massive support to me, treating me like a friend rather than an employee or a ‘number’.

I am very proud and grateful to have been a member of his team and to class him as a true friend.

NT (known Nic for 10 years)

 

I have come to know Nic through his writings and ultimately as a valued friend.    

It is impossible to read Nic’s accounts of his life and of his struggles to gain access to his children, without being deeply moved.   

Nic has a tremendous insight into self, probably more than anyone I know.  Unlike so many of us humans, he can reflect and admit to his weaknesses and imperfections.  

Nic is a valued friend and is a kind, caring and above all honest man. 

SW (known Nic for 3 years)

 

I have known Nic for over 30 years and met him at a particular difficult time for him, health wise. I was a nurse, working at an oncology hospital in Cardiff, and Nic was a patient receiving radiotherapy due to him having a malignant tumour removed from his shoulder area. I would redress his wound each day, and spend a long time talking and listening to a brave, intelligent man.

I gained great insight into a man who was determined to get well and restart his life and career. I saw how he worried about other patients and how one young girl became a great friend to him and he looked out for her throughout his time at the hospital. They remained friends up until her untimely death through cancer. Again this hit Nic hard as he loved her like a younger sister he has never forgotten her and has even made time to meet her family many years later.

I for one class Nic as a caring passionate friend and know our friendship will never be lost. When you meet Nic and talk to him you know him only as a gentleman who wants the best for other people before himself. A selfless man who deserves better than what has happened to him these past years.

AY (known Nic for 31 years)

 

Rainbow of Friends #2

Sexuality should not define us

But society says it must

Too many friends within the closet

Their lives oxidised to rust

 

In my life of stolen moments

Good friends have all been gay

At first it was quite scary

In a world of bleak dismay

 

Come out now my friends and dance

Your life it is supreme

Don’t hide your love away

Behind some bitter Fascist scheme

 

Brave Andy was the first to dance

Back in queer bashing seventy eight

He came out to his parents

And faced their irrational hate

 

Cast out by those he loved

Alone inside his motor car

His body found next morning

Killed by a prejudicial scar

 

Come out now my friends and dance

Your life it is supreme

Don’t hide your love away

Behind some bitter Fascist scheme

 

Hiding in the closet Vicki, Jane and Hazel

Also loved to dance

They would boogie in a ghetto club

Whenever they had a chance

 

My house mate Trevor was the next to hide

A secret he was afraid to share

His father was an old coal miner

His black views were just unfair

 

Come out now my friends and dance

Your life it is supreme

Don’t hide your love away

Behind some bitter Fascist scheme

 

But time does not stand still

Liz and Nadine they were so brave

Together raised their own son Thomas

With parental care and love to save

 

Some years along the road

My son’s friend talked of his two mums

The most wonderful of natural parents

They made prejudice seem quite numb

 

Come out now my friends and dance

Your life it is supreme

Don’t hide your love away

Behind some bitter Fascist scheme

 

The next to dance was close to home

My young nephew’s so camp and gay

It was no lifestyle choice, you faggot haters

So what’s that I hear you say?

 

Now this dance is almost over

But for Darren it was done too soon

He lived and loved with vigour

And now lies under a Mexican moon

 

Come out now my friends and dance

Your life it is supreme

Don’t hide your love away

Behind some bitter Fascist scheme

 

Songs and Poems of Love (2013-2015)

Songs and Poems of Love (2013-2015)

By Nic Outterside

I have always felt huge outpourings of love for my fellow human beings. Too often my love has been misplaced or miscarried, but that doesn’t mean it was not true.

Because love is always true.

So here is a collection of songs and poems of love and unrequited love for friends, soul mates, partners and lovers and my dear children.

I think they capture many moods and hope you enjoy some of them.

 

 

A Handful of Rain

I was drifting in from nowhere on a prayer and kiss

Life passed me by, 34 years I had missed

So how did this happen and when did she come?

Like Louise in the attic of Dylan’s radio hum

 

A handful of rain, a handful of rain

Tempting me to defy it

My scruff bag sweetheart, you don’t know how to buy it

 

She came from nowhere and she carried my name

Talking to a banana in her wild childhood game

Mercurial mouth and missionary times

Lost in a dream of music and rhymes

 

A handful of rain, a handful of rain

Tempting me to defy it

My scruff bag sweetheart, you don’t know how to buy it

 

She captured my heart by words in the mist

Still waiting in line for her geranium kiss

Floating ‘cross the airwaves from time gone by

Tracing blood on blood to the fog on the Tyne

 

A handful of rain, a handful of rain

Tempting me to defy it

My scruff bag sweetheart, you don’t know how to buy it

 

Insomniac cat now dancing on her bed

Sixty miles away morning sky’s turning red

Sleepless in Seattle ghostly figures at my door

And words that trip unconscious from phone to the floor

 

A handful of rain, a handful of rain

Tempting me to defy it

My scruff bag sweetheart, you don’t know how to buy it

 

She holds my hand in a dream undercover

Tracing Patti and Frederick asleep she’s my lover

Under a southern cross she casts the years unspent

Matching I for eye for a back broken and bent

 

A handful of rain, a handful of rain

Tempting me to defy it

My scruff bag sweetheart, you don’t know how to buy it

 

So how did we meet and where do we go?

On a boat on a river we meander and flow

But my darling you have me for time to come

I know I have found you and found my home

 

A handful of rain, a handful of rain

Tempting me to defy it

My scruff bag sweetheart, together we try it

 

 

First Born

You were my first born

My blue-eyed son

A lifetime ago

Where are you now?

You were my true north

Son of my right hand

A lifetime ago

Where are you now?

You were my first joy

Son of the South

A lifetime ago

Where are you now?

You were my own pride

Youngest of Jacob

A lifetime ago

Where are you now?

You were my rock

Son of my sorrow

A lifetime ago

Where are you now?

You were my future

Love of my soul

A lifetime ago

Where are you now?

How did I wrong you?

Brave son of my loins

A lifetime ago

Where are you now?

You daddy is calling

Cross the green pasture

A lifetime ago

Where are you now?

So come home quickly

Time it has passed

A lifetime ago

Where are you now?

 

 

Darling Great Queen

Blonde and blue-eyed

My darling great queen

Your gentleness

Shines out before you

I made a life promise

The day you were born

That never could I

Dare to leave you

 

Clever and caring

My darling great queen

Your gentleness

Shines out before you

I watched as you grew

And started at school

I never thought once

I would lose you

 

Learning and loving

My darling great queen

Your gentleness

Shines out before you

Ten years now have passed

My heart beats too fast

To think of that life

Gone without you

 

Searching and seeking

My darling great queen

Your gentleness

Shines out before you

A grey life lived on the rim

Because my love never dims

A broken heart reaches

Northwards to you

 

 

Time is an Ocean

Windward…

The spring day dawned warm

Wrapped in riggings of love

Hope bloomed eternal

On an ocean of time

All those years ago

 

Into my strong arms you were born

Wrapped in sheets of love

Hope bloomed eternal

On an ocean of time

All those years ago

 

I cuddled your tiny body close

Wrapped in a spinnaker of love

Hope bloomed eternal

On an ocean of time

All those years ago

My promise to you was bonded

Wrapped in a stay sail of love

Hope bloomed eternal

On an ocean of time

All those years ago

 

I watched you grow in beauty

Wrapped in a helm of love

Hope bloomed eternal

On an ocean of time

All those years ago

 

Your first word was ‘daddy’

Wrapped in a lateen of love

Hope bloomed eternal

On an ocean of time

All those years ago

 

We watched you laugh and play

Wrapped a genoa of love

Hope bloomed eternal

On an ocean of time

All those years ago

 

Leeward…

You were snatched from my arms

Wrapped in a beam of love

My hope never dimmed

On an ocean of time

All those years ago

Tears flowed and lies were told

Wrapped in shrouds of love

My hope never dimmed

On an ocean of time

All those years ago

 

They blew out my candle

Wrapped in a foremast of love

My hope never dimmed

On an ocean of time

All those years ago

 

They could not blow out the fire

Wrapped in a main sail of love

My hope never dimmed

On an ocean of time

All those years ago

 

Cos then the flame began to catch

Wrapped in a halyard of love

My hope never dimmed

On an ocean of time

All those years ago

 

The wind whispers words of truth

Wrapped in a luff of love

My hope never dimmed

On an ocean of time

All those years ago

 

Now you must sail your way home

Wrapped in a lashing of love

My hope never dimmed

On an ocean of time

All those years ago

 

 

Don’t Look Away

Sionnan I love you dearly

Don’t look away

I never left you

Sionnan I long to see you

Don’t look away

I am still waiting

Sionnan I long to hear you

Don’t look away

I still need you

Sionnan I long to hold you

Don’t look away

I am not leaving

Sionnan I long to kiss you

Don’t look away

I am not running

Sionnan I long to sense you

Don’t look away

I am still pleading

Sionnan I will not leave you

Don’t look away

This is your father

 

 

Shannon

Your blue eyes linger

With your impish grin

Your dark hair wavers

The joy that’s within

5,000 days is too long my daughter

Much too long

So please come home

At the end of this song

 

You play in the meadow

With sun in your hair

You shout at your sister

With barely a care

5,000 days is too long my daughter

Much too long

So please come home

At the end of this song

 

Your voice resonates

In the caverns of my mind

Your tears wash away

What was left behind

5,000 days is too long my daughter

Much too long

So please come home

At the end of this song

 

You run over the sand

Your buckets to fill

We sit and watch blithely

From the side of the hill

5,000 days is too long my daughter

Much too long

So please come home

At the end of this song

 

We walk the old wall

Along by the farm

You scream with laughter

Safe in my arm

5,000 days is too long my daughter

Much too long

So please come home

At the end of this song

 

Now 11 years have passed

The memories remain

It’s time to come home

It’s the end of the game

5,000 days is too long my daughter

Much too long

So please come home

It’s the end of the song

 

 

Future Comfort

Sweet gentleness

Your name is life

It surrounds my being

Cuts like a knife

Cascades and unfolds

In all that I do

The love that surrounds me

And the friendships too

 

I watch the rain fall

And the winter does grip

But your warmth it envelops

So nothing will slip

Risk and perspective

Valour and pain

Is marked here forever

Though death does remain

 

So fear not my love

As we walk up that road

Stronger than ever

Let me carry your load

And we come now full circle

To the top of the hill

And hold hands together

Brave blood to spill

 

For love is not blinded

And neither is truth

As my tale unfolds gently

Our own fountain of youth.

 

 

Stolen Moments

Torch song

You touch me like the wind

Sad vignette

It has a tale to tell

Cast iron ballad

You are my planet wave

Sweet goddess

Your light it shows the way

Dylan’s night

The air it is so cold

Willow’s end

Struggling to the ledge

Dark beauty

Is buried in your past

Sweet goddess

Your light it shows the way

Dear Hazel

One lost moment of bliss

Easy breath

The phantoms of my youth

Forever young

A heart so full of joy

Sweet goddess

Your light it shows the way

Suicide Road

Now a song of freedom

Fallen angel

Rests under your wing

Frozen lake

Beautiful beyond words

Sweet goddess

Your light it shows the way

Turning tide

I love you more than blood

Our tune

We play it on this Earth

Breaking waves

The torch is lit again

Sweet goddess

Your light it shows the way

 

 

Love Minus Zero

Scarred and scared

Battle weary and blind

To a life so shattered

And hope left behind

You came from the stars

And opened my eyes

You healed my scars

And softened my cries

I give you my heart

My life you do fill

We won’t tear apart

My wondrous Gill

 

 

Comfort Zone

She cuddles up beside me

The log fire is burning bright

I whisper that I love her

We’re settled for the night

 

The music plays quite softly

Our glasses both half full

Her head it rests upon me

Warmed by old lamb’s wool

Love is

Love is

Love is

Love is just a pretext for a better place to be

 

A fox slides through the hedgerow

The owl hoots a new refrain

The wind it howls like thunder

And suggests a chance of rain

 

The new moon casts mad shadows

Across the placid pond

The air it is enchanted

From the doorstep and beyond

Love is

Love is

Love is

Love is just a pretext for a better place to be

 

A half familiar key change

A riff that sounds so blue

Guitar music fills the air

It was made for me and you

 

You searched for love eternal

Now tell me what you found

A passage of lost time

And we are homeward bound

Love is

Love is

Love is

Love is just a pretext for a better place to be

 

My wedding ring shone brightly

As I hit that final chord

It held our love so tightly

When the final lyric poured

Love is

Love is

Love is

Love is just a pretext for a better place to be

 

 

September Song

Boots and bottles and a telescope reel

No-one knows just how I feel

Sitting blindly by a Catherine Wheel

I open my arms to you

 

Write me a song to sing all day long

Catch me a tune to howl at the moon

Watch me waltz on a silver spoon

I open my arms to you

 

My golden daughter does what she oughta

Reading medical books with whisky and water

The words get longer but never shorter

I open my arms to you

 

The breakdown came the breakdown went

Forty-four years they were paid and spent

I’ll pack up my shoes and buy a new tent

I open my arms to you

 

The sun still warms the September air

The grass is green and the day is fair

I look at my life with barely a care

I open my arms to you

 

The fox it will run and the bat does fly

The poacher stares at the empty sky

Time it passes with no reason to cry

I open my arms to you

 

 

A New Clear Star

I was driving my son to school one day

When I spotted six wild deer

Skipping ‘cross the meadow, in the mist they were so clear

In the hexagram of my senses

They were the strings of my guitar

Oh Nathan, you are my new clear star

 

From the day that you arrived kicking

You were a bundle so very small

Now 13 years have passed and you’ve grown so tall

My life has become a film score

Of adventures from afar

Oh Nathan, you are my new clear star

 

People’ll tell you where they’ve gone

They’ll tell you where to go

But till you get there yourself you’ll never really know

Where some have found their paradise

Others just go too far

Oh Nathan, you are my new clear star

 

You’ve kicked your way to glory

With determination and some skill

You’re the mirror of my childhood, still with time to kill

At school you are a scholar

The payment for my scar

Oh Nathan, you are my new clear star

 

As the future burns so bright

The deer have now skipped away

The mist envelops the road ahead, turning light to grey

I think of all the things I’ve done

And how we’ve come so far

Oh Nathan, you are my new clear star

 

 

Inter Stella Overdrive

A piper at the gates of dawn

Told me today a new star had been born

From the cosmos of darkening life

Your reality cuts like a sharpened knife

A 9/11 baby cast from my planetary shell

An echo from when the twin towers fell

You are alive, alive, alive

Rock on my Inter Stella Overdrive

 

 

Rhiannon

In this garden of weeds

Your flower still blooms

Like a memory of a time gone by

I can still hear your voice hang in the trees

And see your face in the clouds in the sky

 

Rhiannon, Rhiannon

My beautiful child

Named after a song

In times so wild

Dance in the meadows

And sing by the stream

Here in my heart

Where you’ve always been

 

In this room full of wonder

Your shadow still slips

Like a memory of something so fine

I can still hear your laughter rolling like thunder

And feel your heart beating next to mine

 

Rhiannon, Rhiannon

My beautiful child

Named after a song

In times so wild

Dance in the meadows

And sing by the stream

Here in my heart

Where you’ve always been

 

In this world full of grace

Your truth is an arrow

Like a memory of what used to be

I can still feel the touch of your hand on my face

And sense your spirit in the raging sea

 

Rhiannon, Rhiannon

My beautiful child

Named after a song

In times so wild

Dance in the meadows

And sing by the stream

Here in my heart

Where you’ve always been

 

 

Nothing is Sacred

The essence of love holds fast

When all about it crumbles

Runners racing to be last

In life’s oldest fought battle.

Scurrying to their mansions

To watch the tempest below

But nothing there is sacred

As they yield unto the foe.

 

But only my love holds fast

In an everlasting confusion

Bridging future with the past

Until only the good survive

And bleed upon the Earth

Where there only is one victor

But no-one shows his head

And drown their fear in laughter.

 

 

Song of hope

In my life of two thousand summers

I have no regrets

Or remorse

Would I have done some things differently?

Would I change some decisions?

Well, of course.

 

One life

One hope

One love

One spirit

Forever

For you

 

But we run this race only once

We become who we are

By our deeds

Our words make us human and vulnerable

And love opens our heart

Till it bleeds.

 

One life

One hope

One love

One spirit

Forever

For you

 

So look at your friends and your enemies

They are all human

Like you

They hate and they fear for their failures

And those that leave a mark

Are so few.

 

One life

One hope

One love

One spirit

Forever

For you

 

So let’s each make our lives individual

Loving and brave

From our soul

Reach out to our fellow human creatures

So their hopes and broken lives

Become whole.

 

One life

One hope

One love

One spirit

Forever

For you

 

 

Love Has Many Faces

Love has many faces

Of warmth

And lies

And lust

Love has many places

Of kisses

And hugs

And rust

Love has many chases

Of youth

And life

And trust

Love has many graces

Of tenderness

Hope

And must

Love has many cases

Of memories

Promises

And dust

 

 

Powdered Chalk and Diamonds

When I first saw you

Time stood still

Your hair

Your face

Your smile

Powdered chalk and diamonds

They shone in your eyes for a while

 

When I first met you

Time stood still

Your warmth

Your laugh

Your love

Powdered chalk and diamonds

An unexpected gift shared from above

 

When I married you

Time stood still

Your beauty

Your scent

Your touch

Powdered chalk and diamonds

Told the world I would always be your crutch

 

When I last saw you

Time stood still

Your hug

Your promise

Your need

Powdered chalk and diamonds

Help our lives to somehow succeed

 

 

Siren

Salt spray

The crashing waves

The sound of thunder

Can you hear it?

The ocean so deep

Your eyes shine

Your face, your smile

A vision shared to keep

I’ll keep it with mine

The siren of my dreams

I can never forget you

Old bathetic fool

I know that fate is cruel

I ought to forget it

Yes, I know it’s true

I’ve seen what love can do

But I don’t regret it

My voice chokes

I can no longer sing

I love you… but

I can see what’s happening

I must now admit it

Unrequited love

A tsunami from above

I have to accept that

Now within your coral sea

You swim so deep

And don’t need me

We’re both safer without it

Is that really the case?

If you were in my place

You never would doubt it

The mermaid of my dreams

I’ll never forget you

Can you hear the siren screams?

I’m glad that I met you

Old bathetic fool

Who has broken every rule

I tried to resist it

Though it’s all in vain

I’d do it all again

I’d give my world to you

Just to relive one minute

By your side

I have to admit it

As I fall in love

Your presence I breathe for

And I am not mistaken

So I think of when

And turn to sleep again

A lot was meant

But nothing was taken

 

 

Shades of Abandoned Love

I can feel your hand upon my knee

Deceived once more by the clown inside of me

My head tells me it’s time to make a change

But my heart is screaming I need you, something strange

 

Love was found

Rekindled

And then lost

Sitting here trying to count

The cost

Of an abandoned love

 

Everybody’s wearing a disguise

To hide what they’ve got left behind their eyes

But me, I can’t cover what I am

Wherever the spirits go I’ll just follow them

 

Love was found

Rekindled

And then lost

Sitting here trying to count

The cost

Of an abandoned love

 

I’ve given up the game, I’ve got to leave

The pot of gold is only make-believe

The treasure can’t be found by men who search

Whose gods are dead and buried deep within the church

 

Love was found

Rekindled

And then lost

Sitting here trying to count

The cost

Of an abandoned love

 

We sat in an imaginary place and we kissed

I asked you please to cross me off your list

You looked at me with a smile upon your lips

Your heart it heaved towards me in another script

 

Love was found

Rekindled

And then lost

Sitting here trying to count

The cost

Of an abandoned love

 

One more time at midnight, near the wall

Put aside your unspoken fears and your shawl

Please come out from the dark room where you sit?

Let me feel your love once more before you abandon it

 

Love was found

Rekindled

And then lost

Sitting here trying to count

The cost

Of an abandoned love

 

 

Coloured Memories

It was in another lifetime

When we walked together

On the moss

Hope it stretched before us

Beneath the Southern Cross

 

Blue, the sky explodes above you

Green, the leaves they dapple free

Brown, the earth beneath our feet

Black, the colour of the mud

 

It was in another lifetime

When we talked together

In the woods

Laughter it sang so sweetly

The wine it tasted good

 

Blue, the sky explodes above you

Green, the leaves they dapple free

Brown, the earth beneath our feet

Black, the colour of the mud

 

It was in another lifetime

When we danced together

On the green

Our feet moved so swiftly

Your beauty could be seen

 

Blue, the sky explodes above you

Green, the leaves they dapple free

Brown, the earth beneath our feet

Black, the colour of the mud

 

It was in another lifetime

When we drank together

In the yard

Words they flowed so freely

Written upon a card

 

Blue, the sky explodes above you

Green, the leaves they dapple free

Brown, the earth beneath our feet

Black, the colour of the mud

 

It was in another lifetime

When we laughed together

By the lake

I told you that I loved you

Was that my last mistake?

 

Blue, the sky explodes above you

Green, the leaves they dapple free

Brown, the earth beneath our feet

Black, the colour of the mud

 

 

Opposites

Black after white

Peace after fight

Day after night

Holding onto the light

 

You came into my life

Like the cut of a knife

Then you entered my soul

And made me feel whole

 

Sun after rain

Love after pain

Loss after gain

Easing into my brain

 

You’re there in the dawn

On the wind you are born

Now you fill up my soul

And make me feel whole

 

 

Vision

Your face

Your voice

Your eyes

Your hair

I sense you here

And everywhere

The sun

The rain

The night

The day

My love for you

Does not decay

 

 

Redemption Song

I stand here amazed

Lost in your gaze

Emerging from hell

In a delicate shell

You came and you saw

Just like the law

I gave you my soul

And it made me feel whole

 

One life

One chance

One kiss

One dance

 

I asked for some time

Tasted your wine

Looking to the sky

As the comet passed by

You came and you saw

Just like the law

I gave you my soul

And it made me feel whole

 

One life

One chance

One kiss

One dance

 

You waltzed by the moon

At the dark of the noon

Standing so still

My glass yet to fill

You came and you saw

Just like the law

I gave you my soul

And it made me feel whole

 

One life

One chance

One kiss

One dance

 

 

Empathy

Beauty is a painted veil

Its colours are skin deep

Love is just a holy grail

Fading grey while you’re asleep

 

Don’t look away, I’ve drained the cup

And life’s race is all but run

Thinking of you when the sun comes up

To finish where I begun

 

Magic sparkles in the night

And laughter fills your dream

Hope dances in the morning light

Drifting away on an urgent stream

 

Don’t look away, I’ve drained the cup

And life’s race is all but run

Thinking of you when the sun comes up

To finish where I begun

 

Life it seems to crawl away

Drowned by rivers of blindness

Curtains shutter the brand new day

Floating on a sea of kindness

 

Don’t look away, I’ve drained the cup

And life’s race is all but run

Thinking of you when the sun comes up

To finish where I begun

 

Time lingers on the ocean’s edge

To where the soft winds blow

High up to that golden ledge

Looking back on what was left below

 

Don’t look away, I’ve drained the cup

And life’s race is all but run

Thinking of you when the sun comes up

To finish where I begun

 

 

Water’s Edge

By the water’s edge

The light fades

On the reeds

The chords

And sounds pervade

Across one thousand miles

Your dark eyes smile

 

By the water’s edge

The music dances

Laughter chances

As the day advances

The stillness evades

Across one thousand miles

Your dark eyes smile

 

By the water’s edge

The ragged dream

The broken seam

And flowing stream

The fish cascade

Across one thousand miles

Your dark eyes smile

 

By the water’s edge

Your beauty sings

On coloured wings

The sunset brings

Songs are played

Across one thousand miles

Your dark eyes smile

 

By the water’s edge

My heart it beats

As my soul competes

The stillness creeps

Into the rustic shade

Across one thousand miles

Your dark eyes smile

 

 

H Bomb

Come and sit here, you said

With that sparkle in your smile

Listen to the music we play

And linger for a while

 

H Bomb, H Bomb

You fell from heaven

And gave me new clear vision

With a love that lasts forever

Burning deep in our soul fission

 

You played those notes real deep

With precision and chords so blue

You held the bass line down

To elicit your choral hue

 

H Bomb, H Bomb

You fell from heaven

And gave me new clear vision

With a love that lasts forever

Burning deep in our soul fission

 

Your hair it held no dread for me

As it danced in pink and green

Your dark eyes they pierce me still

To the place that is unseen

 

H Bomb, H Bomb

You fell from heaven

And gave me new clear vision

With a love that lasts forever

Burning deep in our soul fission

 

You sipped deep at mother’s ruin

And sang songs into the night

We burned the evening oil

And laughed together until light

 

H Bomb, H Bomb

You fell from heaven

And gave me new clear vision

With a love that lasts forever

Burning deep in our soul fission

 

You stood in grey beside me

On that fateful wedding day

You held my hand so tightly

And made my heart feel gay

 

H Bomb, H Bomb

You fell from heaven

And gave me new clear vision

With a love that lasts forever

Burning deep in our soul fission

 

Oh Helen you are my soul mate

Your love it makes me glad

I’ll always be here for you

The daughter I never had

 

H Bomb, H Bomb

You fell from heaven

And gave me new clear vision

With a love that lasts forever

Burning deep in our soul fission

 

 

Just one night

On this lonely night

In the stardust of the fading light

You came to me in black and white

Embracing all my dreams

On the rising curve

Where the ways of life test every nerve

We won’t get anything we don’t deserve

Where we were born in time

 

You came, you saw

Just like the law

You bound up my heart

On a southern shore

I fell for you

And you for me

Our lives they were one

Now lost at sea

 

You are snow, I’m in the rain

You are beauty, I am plain

Oh my Gill, truer words

Have not been spoken or broken

In the hills of mystery

In the foggy web of destiny

You can have what’s left of me

Where we were born in time

 

Oh fragile flower

In an autumn shower

I watch you bloom

From my ivory tower

I’ll tend your needs

Pull the weeds

And fill our lives

With better deeds

 

 

Tortured Blues

And now that it is over

He could sit and count the cost

Wondering if she’d changed at all

And realised what they had lost

He was standing in the driving rain

Water filling up his shoe

She was lying on a snow white bed

Hair and face were all askew

Tortured by the blues

 

He found shelter in a small café

Writing hymns and poems on the wall

She slipped close by and cursed at him

They were both heading for a fall

Outside the booths were filling up

Minstrels and waiters in the queue

He stopped nearby and filled his cup

The last romantic of the few

Tortured by the blues

 

Another year had passed by slow

His young face was lined with pain

She lay wrecked in a juniper bed

They both had to start out again

But all the while he was alone

Clinging to an old church pew

Women came and lovers went

The howling wind it ripped right through

Tortured by the blues

 

 

True Love Never Dies

The sky dawns grey

The branches they sway

Your beauty it knows no bounds

Our eyes they still meet

And your lips taste sweet

The brute is running from the hounds

 

By rivers of blindness

My love is pure kindness

We’ll drink another cup when we meet

It’s the cutting of fences

To sharpen the senses

That linger in the fireball’s heat

 

So come with me quietly

Dance with me briskly

This time is for us both to share

This true love will never die

For the sky does not lie

The evil of man will be laid bare

 

So bang the drum slowly

And play the harp lowly

You know the song in my heart

In the turning of twilight

In the shadows of moonlight

You can show me a new place to start

 

Rainbow of Friends

Sexuality should not define us

But society says it must

So many friends within the closet

Their lives oxidise to rust

In my life of stolen moments

Good friends have all been gay

At first it was quite scary

They are different, you say

Come out now my friends and dance

Your life it is supreme

Don’t hide your love away

Behind some bitter Fascist scheme

Brave Andy was the first to dance

Back in homophobic seventy eight

He came out to his parents

And faced their irrational hate

Andy took his life so sadly

Alone inside his motor car

His body found next morning

Killed by a prejudicial scar

Come out now my friends and dance

Your life it is supreme

Don’t hide your love away

Behind some bitter Fascist scheme

Good friends Vicki, Jane and Hazel

Also loved to dance

They would boogie in a ghetto club

Whenever they had a chance

My house mate Trevor was the next to hide

His secret he could not share

His father was an old coal miner

And his views were so unfair

Come out now my friends and dance

Your life it is supreme

Don’t hide your love away

Behind some bitter Fascist scheme

But time does not stand still

Liz and Nadine they were so brave

Together raised their own son Thomas

With parental care and love to save

A few years along the road

My son’s friend talked of his two mums

The most wonderful of natural parents

They were everlasting chums

Come out now my friends and dance

Your life it is supreme

Don’t hide your love away

Behind some bitter Fascist scheme

The next to dance was close to home

My young nephew’s so camp and gay

It was no lifestyle choice, you faggot haters

What’s that I hear you say?

And so this dance is almost over

But for Darren it was done too soon

He lived and loved with vigour

But his ashes lie under a Mexican moon

Come out now my friends and dance

Your life it is supreme

Don’t hide your love away

Behind some bitter Fascist scheme

Darkness and Light (a lot less dignity than you think)

Look in their eyes and then you’ll see

Love or murder in the first degree

Friends last forever but the lovers just lust

And the demon’s glare turns it all to rust

I went down to where the vultures still feed

I would’ve gone deeper, but there was no need

Heard the tongues of angels and the tongues of men

Taunting my back and corrupting again

So many roads and so much at stake

So many dead ends, I’m at the edge of the lake

Sometimes I wonder which path to take

But I cannot return from the last mistake

See my blue-eyed boy run cross the mud and sand

We keep going down into that forgotten land

I heard the songs of darkness and the songs of light

In the emotional avenues of despair

She smiled and sparkled and I just laughed

Duplicity never been photographed

I went down to the bottom and back it seems

Into the valley of those electric dreams

Running fast and moving too slow

Now at the end, there’s no place to go

Just bite down hard on the next bitter pill

And follow sweet fairies to the top of the hill