World Mental Health Day 2016
I WROTE the attached blog piece three years ago, following my nervous breakdown in June 2013.
At the time of writing I was recovering slowly from what I believed had been the lowest point in my life.
But, an ongoing deep depression took over from the breakdown.
My depression was classified as ‘reactive depression’ – a reaction to what life had thrown at me.
The sexual abuse I suffered as a young teenager, a major life crisis in my late 20s, battling cancer in my early 30s, relationship breakdowns and divorces, the loss of my children, bankruptcy, assault, the loss of my home, the loss of two careers and unexpected close bereavements.
The depression manifested itself in the more obvious feelings of deep lows or worthlessness, but also in many other less obvious ways such as anger and irritability, frustration, OCD behaviour, unconscious selective hearing, tiredness, insomnia, over-eating, forgetfulness, clumsiness and inability to concentrate on one thing for long periods.
In my case, it was all of these.
During this time only my writing, my loving family and a few close friends sustained me.
But pain is shared, and I had not realised how much my depression was affecting those closest to me.
Two deep lows were met: in June 2015, when I tried to end my life; and again in November last year when I eventually called out for help.
Six months intensive psychiatric counselling followed and I came out of the experience a different person… stronger, more open and able to live again.
Each day is different, but I am now looking outwards and to the future.
So, to celebrate World Mental Health Day, I append a few of the songs and poems I wrote during that Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul. They are all dark, but out of that darkness came creativity and now light:
Darkness
The black veil advances
Cutting out the light
The smoke of day draws in
Dimming all in sight
The blanket haze envelops
Blurring edges of my plight
Dim memories are created
Nothing now seems right
Dark forces are advancing
Forcing hope to flight
The wind howls like a hammer
What can resist its might?
The emptiness inside me
As the day it turns to night
Soul
I am the self-consumer of my woes
The bed of my depression
I am the heart of a life that beats
The bed of my regression
I am the hope that burns within
The heat of my transgression
I am the demon that tempts me still
The soul of my oppression
I am the man that will not give in
The hope of my suppression
I am the hands of peaceful fate
The well of my aggression
I am the smile on a face with tears
The deceit of my expression
I am the sin of empty thoughts
The redeemer of my confession
I am the clock of future years
The focus of my progression
I am the whole of a living soul
The core of my possession.
Keep on Keeping On
I’ve just reached a place where I can’t go on
My friends all tell me to just be strong
But strength is an illusion
I have known too long
So far away from where I began
Now I just stay where I don’t belong
Play my guitar and sing this song
It’s the end my love
The end
Time is a window into a world gone wrong
Far away from the maddening throng
But happiness is a façade
I have worn all along
So far away from where I began
Now I just stay where I don’t belong
Play my guitar and sing this song
It’s the end my love
The end
Hope is the marathon we try to prolong
All the way from Memphis to far Guangdong
But music eases the pain
I have carried too long
So far away from where I began
Now I just stay where I don’t belong
Play my guitar and sing this song
It’s the end my love
The end
The Edge
The morning dawns grey
A blanket on another day
The savage wind
Whispers
Of another place
Where time stands
Still
Like a bitter pill
Unswallowed
Cry Awhile
Heart pounding
Brain exploding
You wonder what to do
The pain it tears
At emptiness
Isolated and alone
Coruscating deadliness
When there’s no direction home
Well, I’m crying to the heavens
Feel like a helpless child
Yes, I cried for you
Now I’ll sit and cry awhile
Chest heaving
Shallow breathing
Lamps are burning low
The hope it flickers
At idle fears
The fringes of the night
Cascading misspent years
When darkness dims the light
Well, I’m crying to the heavens
Feel like a helpless child
Yes, I cried for you
Now I’ll sit and cry awhile
Final days
The brush strokes of the passing day
Paint his life in shades of grey
The clock it ticks each fading hour
As his life withers like a dying flower
A road less travelled lies ahead
Finding a place to rest his head
The old brown moss, the limestone comb
The wooded glen where wild cats roam
The final doorway to his life appears
Colours saturate the passing years
Red of anger and deep blue pervade
Under the bent willow he’ll find his shade
Beware of darkness
Beware of darkness
It eats the soul
Nightmare claws attach
Voices whisper
Wild thoughts
Trespass
Beyond sanity’s climax
The hopelessness surrounds you
Watch out my own sweet love
The dead of night
Darkens deeply
The shooting star
That shines
Above
Beware of sadness
And words that linger
Deep inside your head
Memories twisted
Vain hopes
Blistered
Beyond your own deathbed
Broken Man Blues
The day you held my dick in your hand
Abused so hard I could not stand
A broken man
The day I made my great mistake
A blight from which I cannot awake
A broken man
The day the scalpel cut so deep
Nightmares have filled my deepest sleep
A broken man
The day you stole sweet Andrea’s life
And left behind pain, chaos and strife
A broken man
Meet me at the bottom, don’t lag behind
Bring me my boots and shoes
I sit blindly in your doorway
Playing my guitar slowly
And sing for you these broken man blues
The day you swallowed pills of disdain
And your stepfather shot out his own brain
A broken man
The day you cheated in our marriage bed
Then denied everything I had ever said
A broken man
The day you stole our daughters away
My life it faded to a deeper grey
A broken man
The day you lied with a poison tongue
More years of agony had just begun
A broken man
Meet me at the bottom, don’t lag behind
Bring me my boots and shoes
I sit blindly in your doorway
Playing my guitar slowly
And sing for you these broken man blues
The day you ran off with a married man
And left me homeless without a plan
A broken man
The day the plate cracked open my skull
The grey in my life then all turned dull
A broken man
The day the nervous breakdown came
Nothing would ever be the same
A broken man
The day I lost a lifetime career
I drowned the shame in wine and beer
A broken man
Meet me at the bottom, don’t lag behind
Bring me my boots and shoes
I sit blindly in your doorway
Playing my guitar slowly
And sing for you these broken man blues
The day my eldest wed his bride
It left me with no place to hide
A broken man
The day I collapsed in a forgotten heap
The drugs numbed me in a zombie sleep
A broken man
The day my last child went far away
Nothing in life was left to betray
A broken man
The day I left the town of lost souls
I stumbled into a welcome of city scrolls
A broken man
Meet me at the bottom, don’t lag behind
Bring me my boots and shoes
I sit blindly in your doorway
Playing my guitar slowly
And sing for you these broken man blues
The day you told me to go away and die
No-one was left to hear me cry
A broken man
The day I walked into the swirling sea
I hoped in vain you would hear my plea
A broken man
The day my sweet granddaughter was born
My life was then fully ripped and torn
A broken man
So I tremble shaking to hold onto a dream
That nothing is quite as it may seem
A broken man
Meet me at the bottom, don’t lag behind
Bring me my boots and shoes
I sit blindly in your doorway
Playing my guitar slowly
And sing for you these broken man blues
Top of the End
Head screams pain
Life broken again
The grey sky
Burning eyes
Hope that shone
So bright
Now
Dust under the feet
My, oh my, oh my
Let me die
Laughter now dead
Words are all read
Plans for the future
Solitary torture
Life that fought
So hard
Now
Lost and beaten
My, oh my, oh my
Let me die
This is the Sea
Swirling salt water laps at my feet
The west wind finds frailties
Of what remains from the sleep
Greyness spreads to the dark horizon
Herring gulls call me to the deep
This is the end
This is my friend
This is the sea
Memories meander around what happened before
Questions open wounds bleakly
Yet we all know the score
Emptiness echoes as hope once evades
Waves they now crash upon the shore
This is the end
This is my friend
This is the sea
Black Dog
Black dog at my feet
The darkness drifts dreaming from another place
Been here before
But still I’m not sure
Where it all will end
Black dog by my side
The dawn drowns drinking hope from the daylight
Been here before
But still I’m not sure
What the morn will bring
Black dog on my lap
The day drags drearily to the dark of noon
Been here before
But still I’m not sure
When the sun will set
Black dog at my back
The evening draws draping dankly upon me
Been here before
But still I’m not sure
When the night will end
Punch Drunk
Punch drunk
Been knifed in the back
Punch drunk
Dazed by distorted fact
Punch drunk
Hit between the eyes
Punch drunk
Poisoned with their lies
Punch drunk
Twisted tales that they tell
Punch drunk
Stumbled and then I fell
Punch drunk
Reeling on the ropes
Punch drunk
Left with little hope
Punch drunk
One too many blows
Punch drunk
Blood running from my nose
Punch drunk
Nothing left to lose
Punch drunk
Stand inside my shoes
Punch drunk
Depression runs too deep
Punch drunk
Fighting for some sleep
Punch drunk
Trying to stay straight
Punch drunk
The fightback is too late
Punch drunk
Dimming of the light
Punch drunk
Losing every fight
Punch drunk
The game it is too rough
Punch drunk
Think I’ve had enough
No Time to Think 